Billyetallovingit

2008-03-27T15:31:00.001+02:00

Update

2007-08-17T08:39:00.001+02:00

I cant be called a blogger anymore coz blobbers actually blog and i haven’t in ages.

Some interesting shit has happened in the last few months.

Car meets concrete:

Take an Audi and a pavement at 2 am and throw them together and your life becomes a complete nightmare. Loser syndrome as never before.

Saturday night: Crashed car. Live. Have car towed. Get lift home on tow truck along with baby seat, pram and soft toys. Meet fiancé in passage carrying said items. Explain. Argue. Lose argument. Apologize. Sleep.

Monday: Insurance company sounds skeptical at story that resulted in damage to car.
Insurance company appoints former KGB secret policemen to investigate accident. Questioning ensues.
5 weeks later insurance company gives permission to fix car. Rapid weightless ceases, unfortunately.
Another month later and car is returned looking newer than new along with a financial surprise thats gonna take a while to stop stinging.

That and 2 stomach bugs and a bout of flu have meant i cant write my name never mind anything witty or remotely interesting...

An apple a day....

2007-04-18T13:34:00.000+02:00

Got this little treat pushed into my hands 2 weeks ago in the Durban CBD. Why was i in the CBD walking so purposefully with a laptop? A facking large company i shall not name has a no parking for visitors policy, nice, especially when the closest parking was 4 blocks away..... Anyhow lets not wait any longer. Feast your eyes on this piece of marketing magic from one Proffessor (sic) Dumba:

A few things to note here, other than the glaringly obvious gems that litter his profile of services:

Proffessor Dumba decided he would not be happy at all with a menial doctors title, fuck that, he shot high! A Proffessor, although horribly misspell comes with so much more credibility for the, no doubt, extremely intelligent target market.

He's open all the time, good thing that considering the flocks of people who need help making more rounds during sex..... Rounds? WTF

Anyone who can help with diabetes and controlling early ejaculation deserves to be a Proffessor in my book!

He brings back your stolen stuff. This is a groundbreaker, is he the guy who stole my blue Golf in 2000 in Musgrave Road?

I have kindly left the Prof's contact details should anyone feel the need to further enlighten or entertain themselves.

My personal favorite has to be the subtle advertising of the printers who produced this little cracker. Freedom Printers you winners! Who wouldnt want to be associated with this incredible man. Co-branding at its best!

Gotta love Africa!

Morning Knobs

2007-03-27T16:15:00.000+02:00

To the two knobs i call mates who found this blog eventually, well done. The one found it all his own with some great investigative work. The other took fukken ages and only after i told him about 5 times, admittedly he was a tad 'ammered when i divulged the name but still, sharpen up slapper.

Since the discovery coincided with a serious lack of creativity i haven’t blogged much and this has resulted in much unhappiness from the bored little pricks. Thus in order to fulfill their otherwise shity lives with a little quality writing i have decided to do a post. i just dont know what to write about.

I vomited at a bachelors last week?
I plan to vomit at the wedding?
I still don’t have a wedding plan for my own wedding but plenty of good intentions.
I dont have a set date for my wedding yet but im already shitting myself for the bachelors.
I am loving the following music at present:
- Fall out Boy
- The Fray
- Chemical Romance
- Staind
- Audioslave

I am loving the following other miscellaneous things:
- the lack of sweaty heat
- internet
- Cool Running in Fourways not because im a stoner or a trend buny but because no cops hang out between it and my house and of course due to the waitress' having that much loved "Deer in the headlights" look.
-My kid, who's fast becoming a talking and crawling monster.
-money, i have fack all of it at the moment thus i really would to learn to love it
-SuperM Strawberry milk
-Beer Shandy, am i gay?

I hate to be negative about anything, as the two knobs really need love and light in their lives but a really big Fuck You goes out to Telkom for screwing around with our telephone lines at the Saltmine here in Rivonia. I got less than two hours sleep because of your inefficient and idiotic service. Bring on Neotel! It cant really be any worse, can it?

Boss, can i get an increase?

2007-03-15T13:12:00.000+02:00

Read from the bottom........

Hectic career limiting move......

Not clever at all!

-----Original Message-----
From: Vaughan Berry [mailto:vb@provantage.co.za]
Sent: 12 March 2007 08:59 AM
To: iyasseen@hotmail.com
Subject: FW: this woman is so pathetic.see her e-mail below

Dear Ishaad,

Provantage Media would like to extend their sincerest apologies to Sheldean Human, the Human family and anyone else who has read the callous and thoughtless comments made by one of our staff members in an email entitled 'stop telling me to wear pink', sent out on 7 March 2007.

Provantage Media would like to categorically state that the views and opinion expressed by this individual in the email are in no way the views and opinion of the company. In expressing her views on this matter the person in question was acting in her personal capacity, entirely on her own accord. The severity of this matter has however been acknowledged by the company and has been dealt with in the appropriate internal manner by the Provantage Media board of directors.

Provantage Media is a company with strong family values and were devastated to hear of the senseless and gruesome acts that befell Sheldean Human.
Provantage Media send their deepest condolences to the Human family and everyone else affected by this tragedy. Provantage Media are proud South Africans and are always willing to show their support in this country's fight against crime. Provantage Media were also very proud participants in the show of solidarity that took place across the country on Friday 9 March for Sheldean Human and will continue to show our support in any future initiatives.

Vaughan Berry
Provantage Media
011.706.4666
083.388.7115

From: Carmen Vermaak [mailto:carmen@provantage.co.za]
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007 1:26 PM
To: Carmen Vermaak
Subject: Stop telling me to wear pink!

Please everyone stop emailing me and telling me to wear pink on Friday in memory of some poor sod who was killed or lost or stolen or WHATEVER!

I don't really give a shyte about poor old Sheldy Weldy who was a victim of crime in our country - we are ALL victims of crime in this country and all of us wearing pink is the most useless idea I've ever heard of in my life to fight crime. What on EARTH is wearing PINK going to do to make this country a better place???

Is a criminal going to skip over the people with pink shirts?

Stop wasting everyone's time and when you think of an idea that will actually make a difference share it with your family, your friends don't actually care.

Thank you

My 2 cents worth

2007-02-07T17:28:00.000+02:00

I think Paul Harris is a f*cken hero. He had the balls to try and do something to stop crime. A lot more than anyone else i have heard of!

There i have said it.

On another note, due to the fact that i now so many world leaders read blogs:

Mr Mbeki,

Good day, i trust this letter finds you and your family well.

As a true patriot and incredibly passionate South African it pains me to see so many of my countrymen and women being effected by crime. Crime is scaring me to the point that i feel guilty towards my newborn daughter for not looking at options beyond the borders of the country i love. A part of me will die if i have to leave SA, is that a big part to sacrifice versus one of my families lives? People are dying sir, your people.

Your people are crying for your help and leadership against this massive challenge.
History will judge all of us on what we do to stop the killing of innocent mothers, children and brothers.
Please don’t let your inactivity tarnish all our lives.

Please feel free to pop a quick response in the comments section below.
Big up
Billy

P.S: If you could talk to Bob about the whole economic issue up north i would appreciate it.

Good shit!

2007-01-29T13:04:00.000+02:00

My old man beat cancer! Got the news today from the oncologist!
As my dad put it: If it dont pay rent its got to get the fuck out! Not the standard response you expect from someone who has endured chemo but then again my dad's not a normal guy.

What else is up?

I believe SA is on the verge of a massive public backlash to the governments denial of our crime problems. I have it on good authority that big business is about to start throwing some big toys out of the cot. The murder of David Rattray is going to push a few people closer to revolt against what has become a far to easy to accept crime infested pit.

My daughters the bomb! She is cuter by the day and i am falling more and more in love with her. We started her on "real" food on saturday. Its a milestone! It was also hilarious, imagine having something new in your mouth after 5 months of milk! (Keep it clean people!)

Trying to plan a wedding is turning into a mission of note, that and its f'ing expensive! As soon as photographers/ florists/ caterers here its a wedding they get so excited you can literally hear the piggy bank swelling! When dreams and budget come head to head its gonna get messy!

Later all,
Billy

Happy New Year kids

2007-01-10T14:39:00.000+02:00

I trust you all had a cracker of a holiday and a merry merry Christmas.

I quick breakdown of mine includes:

Getting engaged.

~~Girlfriend~~ Fiancé, child and I went on a cruise.

Went to bed before new years eve happened, still cant believe it.

Never got pissed once in 3 weeks.

Read 2 books and umpteen mags.

Watched my daughter grow up before my very eyes over 3 weeks.

Chilled long and hard.

Saw whales, no not Wales, whales.

Didn’t sit in traffic once.

It was perfect.

Its a great deal, really, the handling is particularly good.

2006-12-11T15:07:00.000+02:00

I couldnt believe my eyes.....

M1 today. This guy at one stage was doing 100k's plus!

And i get bust for doing 114 in 100k zone getting out the way for an ambulance!

Please come to SA we wont hurt you.....

2006-12-08T13:26:00.000+02:00

"A visiting European swimming official has been gang-raped near the Durban beachfront paddling pools while her male companion, also a tourist, was held down.The shocking attack on Wednesday was at the Lower Marine Parade children’s paddling pools, the scene of the gang rape of three teenagers on December 16, the Day of Reconciliation, last year.The latest gang-rape came just a day after Durban unveiled its beefed up holiday safety programme.The victim, whose age is unknown, was in town with her team which was competing in this week’s International Paralympic Committee’s (IPC) Swimming World Championships at the King’s Park Aquatic Centre."

Speechless.

Big ups and FU's

2006-12-07T09:15:00.000+02:00

Its that time of the year for a stocktake:

Big Ups

People like this guy, thank God people like him exist.

My dad for so far having fought off the cancer.

My daughter for being born against a shitload of odds in August.

My mates for making 2006 a cracker year. Large portions of the year are a tad blurry thanks to them.

Mothers.

These guys for making sick kids life a little better.

This little dude for making me believe in so much i had forgotten, he's also the strongest guy i have ever heard of.

My lovely goose who gave birth to my kid so bravely and who continues to be the best mom any little girl could want.

FU's

This idiot for dragging its huge ass while people died unnecessarily of AIDS

The government for not doing enough to stop the crime thats tearing our country apart and leaving kids without parents and wives without husbands

Work, i need a holiday!

People who owe me money

Audi Fourways for being inept and stupid. They also lost a client, me.

Me, for not finding more time to enrich others lives.

Kentucky Fried Chicken for dumping the hot and spicy wings, they were the only thing i could eat from your oil pit.

TBC.......

Im Old!

2006-11-15T16:13:00.000+02:00

Well not that bad i guess, 29 on Thursday the 16th November.

Birthdays rock. I have loved them since i can remember and still love them. I hope that never ends.

Amazing

2006-11-13T09:34:00.000+02:00

From yesterdays Sunday Times

Hogarth can’t help but feel sorry for the ANC’s Ngoako Ramathlodi. Not only does he have those pesky arachnids on his case but he now has to deal with having the ANC Youth League as supporters.

A certain ANCYL official called Julius Malema issued a statement this week, threatening the Scorpions with eternal damnation. Add your own (sics): “The ANCYL in Limpopo has learned with shocked about the raid by Scorpion on the home of our former premier Ngoako Ramathlodi. We view this as another disturbing and treat to our democracy. We heard of this investigations firstly in 2003 and today we are in 2006 and to us is effectively three years of investigations on one individual.”

And so on

Malema continued: “We are conviced by the say that says ‘Justice delays is justice denied’ and we see this practically happened to Ngoako Ramathlodi. In this regard we are over concerned about the overprolonging and unending investigations on our greatest leader. We are of a view that unending investigations against one individual must be challenged because it will never be the rule of law instead is a rule of anarchy.”

To top it all

Not to be outdone, the youth league’s head office issued its own incomprehensible missive, this time in defence of the karaoke singer.
Said league president Fikile Mbalula: “The NPA bungled the [Jacob Zuma] case and it was struck off the roll but people ... go around saying they will charge Zuma again. We are not intimidated by starrings that they will charge tomorrow or whenever. They have to apply law not catering. We are not going to allow Arnold Schwarzenegger to promise to charge when there is no case. Lessons should be drawn from the beautiful Judge Willem van Merwe who applied law during rape trial,” said he.

A Z500 cash prize for the most accurate translation.

Classic! Julius Malema, you biscuit!

Genius.

2006-10-30T11:33:00.000+02:00

Cant wait for this idiot to get a seat in parliament.

Ladies and gentlemen may i present a royal twit:

ANC Youth League president Fikile Mbalula

Im not sure i need to point out more than this little gem that stumbled out Fikile's mouth:

"You must go back and tell Mugabe that we love what he is doing for the people of Zimbabwe. He is doing a good work. You must tell him that we love him."

Fuck off Fikile, good work is when a country is on its knees and desperate?

Must be a well educated little mutt our Fikile.

Its morons like this that make the world wonder if all of us on the southern tip of the dark continent live in loin cloth and pick fleas out of each others heads.

Tool.

Live Rocked.

2006-10-30T10:16:00.000+02:00

It was without doubt one of the best ever in my opinion! I am still a bit slow from abusing myself but it was well worth it.

Funny

2006-10-27T08:22:00.000+02:00

Very True

2006-10-27T07:25:00.000+02:00

Population Control

2006-10-26T14:24:00.000+02:00

Spotted on the Krugersdorp highway yesterday at 140km/hr.

Brave, very brave.

I need to bitch.

2006-10-24T14:30:00.000+02:00

This shit has too stop!!!!

Boy sees dad being shot

Mom shot dead for screaming

But this is more important?

Metro cops herd cars on highway

Do me a favour! Get your priorities right. People are dying!

How can i honestly not think about finding a safer place to bring my daughter up in?

She Smiles!!!

2006-10-20T11:05:00.002+02:00

I always thought being a dad would be cool but tough. It turns out its so cool you dont realise its tough.

When they flash that toothless grin at you it all seems too easy!

I must however admit that the dirty nappy thing has still got me mock charging at every turn but im hoping thats just a silly dad stage!

I am doubting that mom will be going back to work anytime soon though(if ever) which im actually very cool with, i really would prefer the boss gets her mom around than the money mom brings in.

On other matters:

Work: Is going absolutely ape shit. A good ape though so its all good.

Holidays: Booked family on cruise and hopefully a ripper of a new years with mates back on dry land.

Dad: Still on chemo but seems to be doing fine, watching him with my daughter is insane, i ever thought he would be half as taken as he is.

Have a good weekend kids.

Later!

So sad!

2006-10-20T11:01:00.000+02:00

This just kills me. Not only for the loss of a life of a kid but what the dad must be going through and what the rest of his life will be like.

Giving my lovely little one a huge hug tonight!

Dude: My thoughts are with you and your family. May you little boy be safe in the arms of angels.

Feed it garlic and potatoes

2006-10-06T13:23:00.000+02:00

Health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang has been admitted to hospital with a lung infection, her spokesman said on Friday.

blaa blaaa

The Department of Health wished her a speedy recovery.

I dont. I would prefer if it fell through its ass.

Or as an anonymous source put it:

Ventilate that lung with a 9mm lead capsule

My Angel - Bent....

2006-09-26T11:58:00.000+02:00

Get Better Soon Hamster!

2006-09-26T10:26:00.000+02:00

Dont you dare stop improving! You beauty!

Out of Office

2006-09-20T16:46:00.000+02:00

Im outta here for the rest of the week. Taking some time in Durban with the family.

Take care .

Anyone notice something wrong with this paragraph?

2006-09-07T14:54:00.000+02:00

"His first novel, Spud, published by Penguin Books and launched nationally in September 2005, became an instant bestseller. The book was also selected for the Exclusive Books Publishers Choice 2005. John is currently doing an artist in residency at The Rhaboobeah Hilton and is completing the sequel to Spud which will be published by Penguin Books and released in late 2006. "

From http://www.ukzn.ac.za/cca/images/tow/TOW2006/bios/Ruit.htm

The good news, aside from him doing an artist, is there is a sequel on the way.

Morning Idiocy

2006-08-28T16:31:00.000+02:00

Not sure what the fucking rocket scientists pictured above on the right side of the road thought the oncoming traffic would do?????????

Here's more of the tools.

If anyone knows any of the cars/people above please get in contact with me, i havent met a complete fucking moron in a while.

My Little Sleep Depriver

2006-08-24T16:39:00.000+02:00

And well worth every long day!

Its rude to stare....

2006-08-24T16:32:00.000+02:00

I cant explain why but this really made my day yesterday.....

My Angel Arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-07T10:04:00.000+02:00

She has arrived! 2 weeks early but in very good shape.

She is amazing. Even if i do say so myself.

Imagine this at JHB stadium!

2006-08-04T11:39:00.000+02:00

Or anywhere in SA for that matter!

4 weeks and counting!

2006-07-24T10:25:00.000+02:00

She's in there somewhere!

I have a funny feeling we aren’t going to make the caesarian date.....

Life’s about to change in a big way. I can honestly say im happy for it to do so.
If i never have another hangover again so be it. Although I doubt it.

Life’s weird though. As time nears for the birth of my daughter I find out my dads got cancer.
He's having an operation this week to remove a tumor from his colon but the prognosis looks as good as having cancer can be.

Life. Odd.

FYI....

2006-07-17T14:55:00.000+02:00

My daughter makes her arrival today in 5 weeks time.....

Im shitting myself, in a good way though!

Romance Scoring

2006-07-13T12:48:00.001+02:00

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow(0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy
her
what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing(0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy(-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night(-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted
the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Pass the joint, bru

2006-07-06T10:37:00.000+02:00

Classic!

You have to love the average municiple workers dedication to their jobs!

"Instead of writing the stop road marking sign that all motorists and pedestrians are familiar with, the eThekwini Municipality's Traffic Operations unit officials made a blunder by putting in "SOTP". The word is not available in any of South Africa's 11 official languages."

I love SA!

Life at present:

2006-06-22T10:27:00.000+02:00

1. Its about 9 weeks until i become a father. I am crapping myself properly!

2. Works insane. Can’t see the wood for the tree's and I want to murder at least 30 percent of the people I deal with on a daily basis.

3. I tore the arse out of it in Durban at a boys weekend and still can’t remember much from the Saturday night.

4. I’m not sure I have recovered yet; it has only been 9 days.....

5. My beloved cars days are numbered and it’s hurting.

6. My mates getting married in 3 weeks and I feel the need to organize his bachelors even though im not the best man, i dont even think he has a best man.

7. My ex fiancés having a baby too, odd. It doesn’t hurt anymore, i think.

8. I found this very funny

9. Im about as creative as a municipal worker lately, today is no exception and thus i must apologize for having a very, very boring blog.

10. Its Thursday today so tomorrow’s Friday. That’s a very good thing.....

Absolutely Brilliant!

2006-05-17T09:53:00.000+02:00

One of the best i have seen in a while!!

BBC apologizes for tech interview gaffe

The network has apologized to its viewers for a studio mix up that resulted in a man mistakenly appearing on live television as Guy Kewney -- an expert on Internet music downloads.
In fact the man was Guy Goma, a Congolese man applying for a technology-related job with the British Broadcasting Corp. Goma followed an employee to the studio after a mistake at a reception desk, the corporation said late Monday

The videos here if you want to see it,

My favourite Idiot

2006-05-05T07:39:00.000+02:00

Never one to hog the news, our intrepid former Deputy President is about to meet his destiny on Monday. Although a rape conviction will probably make his supporters more enraged at the terrible way he was treated it should eliminate the vermin from becoming the President, i hope.

If only they would do this more often!

Shut the fuck up, that is.

I find this very interesting:

Mohau also confirmed that Zuma would speak at a fundraising concert for him in Soweto on Sunday. Fourteen Maskandi groups would perform and tickets at R55 a person would be sold at the gates to Jabulani Ampitheatre.

I wonder how many of his supporters will put there money where there mouths are....
and for that matter how many women arrive in skirts to be nailed by the big JZ.

My 2 wishes for May:
Bob Mugabe gets dysentery and falls through his own arse and dies.
Zuma gets raped by a big boy called Danny and moves too Australia to become the head of the outback AIDS foundation.

Im going to be a father

2006-04-24T08:03:00.000+02:00

Thats a arm you see.
She's due in August and its a miracle she made it this far. Its been a long 5 months but after having lost a little boy at the same 2 years ago we have confirmation that this little princess is a keeper.

Miracles do happen........

Happy Monday!!!

Happy Easter Bunnies!!!

2006-04-13T16:10:00.000+02:00

Have a great weekend all. May it be safe and wicked all at the same time!

That is a bunny picture before anyone asks.

One less easter egg? A beer less?

2006-04-10T09:58:00.001+02:00

A worthy cause if i have ever seen one!

If you can afford it sms or make a donation, if not at least spread the message.

Come and get me?

2006-04-05T10:12:00.000+02:00

This is now officially known as " Yes I want you, give it too me now"

Jacob Zuma believed the woman who accused him of rape was sending him sexual signals, the Johannesburg High Court heard on Tuesday.
Zuma said the woman had never visited him wearing a skirt before. On the night of the alleged rape, she arrived wearing a knee-length skirt.

Genius. Pure Genius.

Im embarrassed to be a male.

What? You must be joking?

2006-04-04T10:41:00.000+02:00

Which complete fucking idiot is refered too below:

"He told the court he did not think he placed his rape accuser at risk of HIV/Aids or any other sexually transmitted disease by not using a condom.

Is it:
a) Homer Simpson?

b) A mentally challenged inividual called Bob?

c) The former deputy president of a country?

What did we do to deserve this!

Thats one thing but the geniues doesnt seem to see any problem concerning his own risk of getting AIDS by having unprotected sex with a women who is known to carry the HIV virus?

No wonder so many South Africans are dying daily from the desease.

God help us, please.

I nearly wet myself!

2006-04-03T16:46:00.000+02:00

This brightened up my Sunday slog around Pick and Pay to a massive extent!

Take a close look at the head gear the lady in the foregrounds sporting......

Its a witch hat, i couldnt believe it, the whole outfit was odd but the hat was properly stupid.

I tried to get more pics but got busted so i had to duck behind the fruit section in a hurry.

Its the little things that make my life interesting.

Classic

2006-03-24T11:55:00.000+02:00

Bounce?

2006-03-24T08:44:00.000+02:00

"Im not sure what i did the whole day Friday to be honest.........i remember seeing a link on Aquila and then the day just seem to disappear......"

Can you get addicted to this sort of thing?

Is it too late?

When i close my eyes i see bouncing DD's and Yoga A's....

Help!

Lucky!

2006-03-24T08:18:00.000+02:00

This puts life into perspective!

And i was pissed off that someone ate my cereal this morning!

Well done Peas

2006-03-17T08:43:00.000+02:00

A fine victory last night by Peas at the Blog awards.

Well done Girl!

I assume there are hangovers all round today and deservedly so!

Happy Friday

Have a good weekend all, im off to Durbs for the wedding of the year, i hope, i am shitting myself to say a speech, must stay sober, must stay sober, must stay sober.....

What The F*ck is that!

2006-03-16T14:30:00.000+02:00

Check this out!

Classic

2006-03-14T12:05:00.000+02:00

Spotted in Durban this past weekend:

How do you like them apples?

2006-03-13T12:43:00.000+02:00

What a moment to savour, this one doesnt need words (and im still very slow from a massive weekend)

Grab your ankles Matilda there's some waltzing to be done.

Sheep and lube, i think not!

2006-03-09T16:33:00.000+02:00

My best mate is getting married next weekend and as his best man i'm flying to Durban to host his bachelors tomorrow. I must admit I haven’t had anytime to organize anything spectacular for the guy but armed with guilt I gave two ladies from work an unlimited budget to get some equipment for the event. Well, I never fell on my arse when I saw what the two supposedly normal collegeus arrived with.

Accompanying myself and a mate on a flight to Durban tomorrow will be:
Enough lube to make a runway slippery.
A fabulous blow up sheep.
Tiger print ankle restraints.
More lube
Strange lacy things
Stranger soft things
Scary harder things

The conservative Afrikaner and the black traditonal healer went into the Hustler sex shop in Rivonia and went to town!!

I’m not sure how i’m going to use all the stuff on the poor bastard but its going to be a cracker! If truth be told i’m not sure how some of this stuff is meant to be used in any event let alone at bachelors!

P.S Peas and Ant I believe I have more than enough lube if you are still looking!

No mate, it doesnt look cool.....

2006-03-06T17:17:00.000+02:00

Spotted this a while back but i couldnt bring myself to look at it long enough to upload it.

Things to look for
1) The wife beater vest
2) The hair on its shoulders!

Enjoy.

That cant be good for the brand......

2006-03-06T13:17:00.000+02:00

Energade just took one in the nuts..... The title on News24 says it all:

Energade puts woman in hospital

Basically the story goes that their products just put a woman in hospital with burns from some liquid in a bottle of their juice. Not just any women but a pregnant one.

Lady and baby are both ok, thankfully.

Ouch....all that was missing to make this a complete nightmare was for her disabled puppy to get sick from it too....

A little bit of heaven

2006-03-06T10:23:00.000+02:00

Lifes been a bit rough over the last 5 weeks with bad news being the order of the day on the home front but escape came in the form of a trip with some clients to Arabella.

The place is incredible and the weekend was brilliant. The souls refreshed and hopefully things will continue to improve.

I am a lucky bugger sometimes!

Windhoek Surprises

2006-02-20T15:31:00.000+02:00

I have never been a fan of Windhoek due to it being about as entertaining as a broken toe but occasionally it delivers a surprise. It did just that last week on my monthly trip.

Right in the middle of Windhoek’s city centre was this gem of a billboard.

After that the usual german display of manners and dress sense had me rushng for the airport to return to my beloved Jozi.

Pink pants and a baby blue shirtwith 165 pockets being the average fashion of a dazed tourist apparently!

Excuse me sir: What time is Fear Factor on?

2006-02-10T07:32:00.000+02:00

More water, more idiots.

God help us!

My favourite....:

"Van Niekerk thought he would be able to negotiate the water in his Mercedes-Benz.
But, "a bakkie coming from the opposite direction caused such a wave that my car stalled and there we were, at the mercy of the elements". "

When did Mercedes start making boats?

I have proof!

2006-02-09T15:10:00.000+02:00

Are these they same people who watch Fear Factor SA perhaps?

Why would you drive through this?

Honeydew Northern JHB 9/2/2006

Where is the Ark being built?

2006-02-09T08:14:00.000+02:00

If it doesnt stop raining im moving to the mud island to earn pounds. At least you make more money while being miserable and wet!

Another thing:
It rains every year so you would expect us to understand the concept: swollen river = danger but every week some idiot in a car (not boat) tries to cross a river and is always surprised when the car doesnt operate with water up to the windows!

" The car started floating"

Its not floating it being washed away! Pleb.

What a load of Shite!

2006-02-07T07:47:00.000+02:00

I was abusing my remote after getting rid of my ER lump in the throat last night and I happened upon what must count as the most stupid program on local TV.

Fear Factor South Africa!

I honestly thought it was a parody. As Crazy Monkey is to Jackass so is FF SA to Fear Factor. (the one that was on mnet and the series channel)
Holding your breath in a container of milk? Rolling a dice to see who gets 1 day old, 3 day old or fresh milk in their container? It was classic idiot TV.

Chuck Norris with milk if you will.

Honestly: How scary is milk? Holding your breath is holding your breath, whether its in oil, beer, water or milk you still holding your breath. I must admit I watched the rest of the program, more like as deer in a set of headlights than anything else though.

The presenter also caught my attention, its not everyday that local productions manage to find a presenter who can without fail miss-time any and all climaxes. The guy can create an anticlimax in a gun fight!!!

I believe this masterpiece pulls a million viewers every Monday night. I don't know what's more concerning: There are a million stupid people in this country or they manage to remember to watch every week.

Happy Friday!

2006-02-03T14:03:00.000+02:00

Have a cracker of a weekend and remember.....its only illegal if you get caught.

'America is addicted to oil'

2006-02-01T10:06:00.001+02:00

No shit!

President Bush did spoke. No laughing, he made sense.

He then got in his massive SUV and roared off down the road sucking another 9 gallons of addiction into the V8 while avoiding a few other hundred similar addicts in the slow lane.

"I know the answers here somewhere, it must be...."

Sure, where's my wallet.....

2006-02-01T10:06:00.000+02:00

Now you're fucked little man.

Guess you shouldnt have had your grubby little mits up JZ's ass!

I know its nice to laugh at people's misfortune but this isn't misfortune its stupidity and laughing at that is definitely allowed.

For another laugh check out the Friends of JZ embarrassment, sorry site.

That cant be good for fighting crime?

2006-02-01T08:11:00.000+02:00

Probably not the first or last pie to be scoffed by one of JHB's finest crime fighters!
No wonder criminals in this city dont fear the pigs, they move too slowely.

A breakthrough!

2006-01-31T10:10:00.000+02:00

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and
let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover
many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila, Leave Shyness Behind.

Something doesnt smell right.....

2006-01-30T12:11:00.000+02:00

FYI GAUTRAINS 13 BILLION ?

What would you do with Gautrain 's R13bn?

To put the cost of the new Gautrain development into perspective, Singh
and Associates Strategic Solutions has come up with a few suggestions on
what could be done with the R13bn extra the development will now cost (as
opposed to the initially expected R7bn).

*Instead of a train you could buy some top of the range S-class Mercedes
Benz and park them nose to tail to form a " train" that would be long
Enough to go around the world.

*Since most South Africans use minibus taxis instead of S-Class Mercedes
Benz, you could run a fleet of taxis, free of charge to commuters, from
Johannesburg to Pretoria with a taxi leaving each town every two
minutes, maintain them at the AA rate of R2.50 per km, replace all the
taxis
every month and you would only run out of money after 50 years.

*You could add 44 more lanes to the M1 highway.

*If you prefer to walk, a good bricklayer, if he made little brick tiles
using stacks of 30 R100 notes, could lay a blue paved walkway, 1m wide
from Johannesburg to Pretoria. We would have R400 000 left over to pay the
bricklayer for his work, which should only take half as long to finish
as the Gautrain.

*Or if you want smart people to figure this out you could pay for a
university degree for every single 19 year old Gauteng resident and ask
them what to do with the money.

Happy Friday!

2006-01-27T12:43:00.000+02:00

After a week of the worst stomach bug this side of dysentery I am exceptionally happy to be faced with being at most 20m away from my own toilet for the next 72 hours!

Have an absolutely brilliant weekend people.

I got Tagged.

2006-01-23T11:27:00.000+02:00

Nice one Peas.

Four jobs I've had
Running shoe salesman
Copywriter
Call centre agent
Waitor

Four movie I can watch over and over
Love Actually
Good Will Hunting
Trainspotting
The Shawshank Redemption

Four places I have lived
Salisbury
Queenstown
King Williams Town
Durban

Four TV shows I love
Top Gear
Friends
Jake in Progress
ER

Four places I've been on holiday
Mauritius
Scotland
Durban
Cape Town

Four websites I visit everyday
News24
IOL
Iafrica
Keo.co.za

Four foods I love
Wimpy Burgers
Bangers and Mash
Steak
Pizza

Four places I'd rather be now
In bed ( i had a massive night on Saturday, still hung)
On my couch with remote in hand.
On anyones couch.
Saturday morning so i could not do what i did to feel this crap.

Women Mayors?

2006-01-19T15:30:00.000+02:00

So what?

Women are able to fly the space shuttle, vote, be prime minister and run companies so why is it an issue that there may be more women than men as mayors?

I just hope they are less corrupt than men.....oh wait....didnt our Deputy President just tear the arse out of it by going on holiday halfway accross the globe with half of Tembisa on a government plane?

As long as the media covers it our democracy is working!

Mugabe spotted at Joburg clinic

2006-01-19T14:27:00.000+02:00

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If his country isnt in any shit why does he need to come here for medical care???????
If he dies here then its ok but if we make him live longer i will be seriously pissed!

I am not a angry or hateful person but this f*cker means less to me than the sweat on a monkeys nuts.

Breath Billy breath........

Big sweaty hairy men huddled together....

2006-01-13T14:31:00.000+02:00

Its nearly time....the rugby seasons approaching!

I love any sport but there's something special about the old game of Rugby. Weekends just arent the same without the screaming and shouting at a TV or best of all the excursion to other cities..........(insert witty first person report of precious experiences here)

A couple of fun loving mates and i decided to see if we could find Bloem and go support or national rugby team against the invading Irish.

After taking as long as possible to leave JHB on Friday we finally hit the open road in a nearly new 3.0 KZTE fresh off the sales floor at Toyota. Now Carl's been driving what could be best described as a Ox wagon with lame oxen for the last year so this new found power was well appreciated by all concerned. The roads were busy and with the nightfall fast approaching Carl finally "let loose" and started to see what the new acquisition could do. 400km and a few near death over-taking manoeuvres we arrived at our lodgings. A youth hostel with 20 steel bunk beds. A stiff bottle or 2 went to waste calming the nerves.

Friday was meant to be a quite night at the resort in preparation for the rugby the next day but It was massive, obviously. I got hammered (unusual) and apparently sparked quite a debate with some of the locals at the resident bar. We had to leave, something about them having to open up early. Somehow managed to find our way back to our palace without breaking anything. We named it a palace because we were originally going to camp!!!!

At some stage while the 6 grown children were preparing to retire for an evening of messy sleep Carl disappeared out into the freezing night mumbling something about the plight of spotted owls in barns all over the world. After a few minutes (somewhere between 1 and 120) i realised that Carl was not around, he wasn't answering my knock-knock jokes.... On closer inspection after falling on his bed, i realised he was not back.
Our palace had a design flaw. It had no bathroom. The closest adequately equipped walled area was about a 10min freezing stumble in a northerly direction. Somehow Carl had managed to overcome the distance and had locked himself in a toilet booth for a quick snooze. Perhaps not the first pissed male to fall asleep on the crapper but definitely the loudest snorrer!

The sun rose on Saturday with the promise of a great game of international rugby and a monster hangover to beat. I had to have a few shots of Tequila to recalibrate myself, this signalled the beginning of a big day. If you thought orange juice and toothpaste was rough try Tequila!
Saturday is a bit of a blur. I thought everyone was drinking when we watched the early game but it turns out it was mainly me. I am rather excitable when England are getting the sh*t kicked out of them, so i proceeded to get rid of the dehydration at an almighty pace.

By the time we got to the stadium in Bloem at 12.30 i was hammered. Bloem's a great place to get hammered, its almost built for it. Friendly corruptible cops, low pavements, big road signs, minimal one ways, tons of "friendly" chicks and of course tolerant, friendly folk embracing change a bit slower than the rest of the country.

We managed to find our way into a fantastic beer garden which was well stocked with allot more supplies and an all women rock band who weren't signing in English, so i didn't have to act like i knew what was going on. I seemed to be attracting allot of attention from the ladies that were present. This was a watershed moment, an epiphany of sorts. I was drunk.

After exploring a large portion of the stadium and toilets we finally found our seats. I watched about 5% of the game, and for that time i screamed for the guys in green which i later found out was Ireland. Didn't we play at home? The rest of the time was spent talking shit and explaining the rules to anyone who would listen. Much to the disgust of all my mates i managed to chat up a girl. Im not sure but i think she was chatting me up actually. (Could be the booze perspective again.) Alas it all amounted to nothing as i couldn't convince the boys to facilitate my destiny and follow her to a bar somewhere in Bloem. After getting over the loss of my future wife i followed the people who looked more familiar than all the other people and continued to drink at a selection of venues carefully selected for their lack of atmosphere.

The final destination turned into a bit of a gem. It had women in it. Ones not wearing rugby clothing! It also had a bar that sold more than just beer!!!!! It was also equipped with a sound system, dance floor and a DJ who was familiar with music post 1982.

After drinking as many Red Bull and vodkas as humanly possible (R13 for a double - someone is getting screwed!) and dancing like a queen for a few hours we left the bright lights of Bloem (after the cuddly one got his burger) for our youth hostel.

Sleep was delayed by recounting some of our funnier moments from the past day and Carl again doing his impression of a walrus procreating, which he cleverly disguises as snoring.
Woke up on Sunday feeling ok. Found no serious wounds. Managed to locate both wallet and cell phone. Found out who had won the rugby. Packed and headed home.

Bring on 2006 with boots and all!

Spud: A belter of a book.

2006-01-10T15:42:00.000+02:00

It seems almost fashionable to recommend the book Spud by John van der Ruit but I cannot resist the temptation to blow wind up its arse.

This book rocked, I laughed,I cried and I laughed again. If you can read, this book is a must. Having survived boarding school myself it was even more of a classic but it will appeal to everyone with a sense of humour and probably some who dont...

I even laughed so loud that the people watching those crap "gag" things on the plane looked jealous!

It has fired up my passion for reading again, its been years since I read a novel so quickly and im bummed it is finished. Now what!

I demand a sequel!

So another year begins....

2006-01-09T14:54:00.000+02:00

Reality has set in after only 7 hours of work....the holidays over, the saltmines at full tilt and im at 15 percent. I tried to open my office door with my car keys, forgot the name of a client and called a staff member by a name they didnt call themself. Nice!
The holiday was good though, very, very chilled with nearly no stress.
Well Happy New Year everyone, here's hoping its a cracker!

Bye Bye!

2005-12-21T08:07:00.000+02:00

May this Christmas bring peace and Joy to the entire world. May it also bring laughter and hope to all less fortunate than me, relief from sadness and pain to those suffering and smiles to anyone who needs one.
Thanks 2005 it was a blast!
Happy Holidays everyone and most of all:

Merry Christmas

Melrose Place?

2005-12-13T15:31:00.001+02:00

Historically i haven’t been too much of a fan of "The Arch" but i have had the pleasure of having to endure 2 leisurely business lunches there in the last few days.

Wow! Where have these people been hiding? Thank you summer! Belters everywhere with more supercars than car guards....nice equation that. Its making Sandton seem a little juvenile to say the least.

One thing i did notice: Absolutely no grass on the square, other than what was being smoked behind the Meat Co by some "security" people. Im not a tree hugger or anything but you can only use so much concrete!

That said; it a awesome place to watch the world slide past while enjoying a good graze and a sneaky beverage, all we need now is a sea view…..(insert gratuitous picture here)

Happy Tuesday!

2005-12-13T12:10:00.000+02:00

Not long to go now!!!!
I have never been so excited to spend money on fuel and toll roads to get out of town to crowded beaches. Hell, im even excited to see the Free State on the way to the coast!
Bring it on!!!

Bush: 'I know we're going to win' in Iraq

2005-12-07T15:15:00.000+02:00

Like there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
Whatever....knob.

Unfortunate but not surprising

2005-12-06T11:04:00.000+02:00

Johannesburg - A taxi driver, shot five times by a motorist on the M1/Corlett Drive off-ramp in Johannesburg on Friday, has died.

Johannesburg police spokesperson, captain Cheryl Engelbrecht, said the 31-year-old taxi driver died shortly after midnight.

The man (29) who suppossedly shot him has been charged with murder.

"The man will appear in court on Monday," said Engelbrecht.
A helicopter airlifted the taxi driver to hospital after the shooting.
The motorist was arrested and taken to a police station in Norwood.
Traffic in the area was severely backed up after the shooting.
Taxi drivers blockaded the road after the shooting, later dispersing.
Engelbrecht said the police were still investigating the circumstances leading to the attack.

im surprised it doesnt happen more often.......

Deja vu??

2005-11-30T14:32:00.000+02:00

Twit?

Hasnt the world heard this somewhere before?

The White House is holding out the prospect that U.S. troop levels in Iraq could soon be reduced, but President Bush insists he will not withdraw U.S. forces "without having achieved victory."

Its called Vietnam! It was also a useless war.

Sh*T Happens

2005-11-30T13:58:00.000+02:00

Someone drove into me on Tuesday morning.
It sucks but its not the end of the world.
Its only a car and its only money.
Im alive.

3 weeks till holidays......

Happy Friday

2005-11-25T10:42:00.000+02:00

Took that new route to work again today, it has made my life seem better. Odd. 20 minutes less in traffic is bliss! I suppose its just a matter of time before the rest of the northern suburbs finds it or some twit booms it off but until then its all mine...

Fridays rock.

Works always so much more chilled; even Grumpy seems to be less miserable. Happy becomes manic and Sleepy looks like she got to bed before 6am for the first time this week. Friday does have one downside though, what to do after 1pm, even though the saltmine doesn’t have a policy for Fridays i have done jack shit on a Friday afternoon since 2003. So.....the options: the usual local haunts have become like watching your mother get boozed every Friday, groundhog day basically, with booze.

Having tried to escape the need to involve alcohol on Fridays I went to gym last week Friday, never again. Whilst most of JHB sits in bars, boardrooms or traffic there are freaks pushing weights and doing secret handshakes. People whose parents are cousins sweat all the genetic misdemeanors out on Fridays.

You can’t go home alone at lunch time unless you are hung-over from Thursday.

I need to think of something....

Christmas

2005-11-24T14:10:00.000+02:00

I love everything about Christmas.

I hate to admit it but all the cheesy music, decorations, fake snow, reindeers and fat red faced Father Christmas' do it for me. It’s probably because it’s the one time of the year that i always make the effort to see my folks come hell or high water. Its also always been the time that my folks have always made an effort to make my life good for as far back as i can remember. This year it’s even looming even larger.
This year i need Christmas!

I don’t think i have ever wanted to go on holiday as much as i do this year. Reasons (and a mini to do list):

To relax, stare out to sea, miss traffic, sleep in, drink on Mondays (if i want too), buy tons of things for other people, remember who i actually am, read more, write more, laugh as much as possible, watch my folks laugh, make them laugh, play with the dog, swim and get some sun.

I remember when i was a kid how unwrapping gift was always such an awesome experience and never an anticlimax. Not that i knew what an anticlimax was as a 7 year old but i never remember being disappointed.

Bring on Christmas!

A new day

2005-11-24T13:24:00.000+02:00

After a good night sleep and a new perspective on things (took a new route to work) i have decided that lifes still awesome and worth every tough moment because there are so many better ones.

As much as i sound like a bipolar patient im not. Yesterday challenged my comfortable life in a big way, the boat rocked and its stopped now. No major damage done. Its all good.

On another note:
Today i realised something....if you refuse to accept sales peoples shit you get better deals!
So by being a prick you benefit. There's something not right with that....
I dont like being a prick, im not really good at it, except with taxi drivers of course....

Stuff

2005-11-23T16:45:00.000+02:00

If you shut up to avoid conflict and not stand up for yourself are you weak?
If its not worth the fight are you less of a fighter?
When is your self respect worth fighting for? When isnt it?
Is a secure future better than a blissful present?
When do you get of a sinking ship?
When do you know the ships sinking?

Hello World

2005-11-23T16:24:00.000+02:00

Well its been a good 12 months since i decided to do this. i know have it but am clueless on how it works. Let the eduction begin!