Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A breakthrough!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and
let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover
many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


Tequila, Leave Shyness Behind.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Something doesnt smell right.....

FYI GAUTRAINS 13 BILLION ?

What would you do with Gautrain 's R13bn?

To put the cost of the new Gautrain development into perspective, Singh
and Associates Strategic Solutions has come up with a few suggestions on
what could be done with the R13bn extra the development will now cost (as
opposed to the initially expected R7bn).

*Instead of a train you could buy some top of the range S-class Mercedes
Benz and park them nose to tail to form a " train" that would be long
Enough to go around the world.

*Since most South Africans use minibus taxis instead of S-Class Mercedes
Benz, you could run a fleet of taxis, free of charge to commuters, from
Johannesburg to Pretoria with a taxi leaving each town every two
minutes, maintain them at the AA rate of R2.50 per km, replace all the
taxis
every month and you would only run out of money after 50 years.

*You could add 44 more lanes to the M1 highway.

*If you prefer to walk, a good bricklayer, if he made little brick tiles
using stacks of 30 R100 notes, could lay a blue paved walkway, 1m wide
from Johannesburg to Pretoria. We would have R400 000 left over to pay the
bricklayer for his work, which should only take half as long to finish
as the Gautrain.

*Or if you want smart people to figure this out you could pay for a
university degree for every single 19 year old Gauteng resident and ask
them what to do with the money.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Happy Friday!

After a week of the worst stomach bug this side of dysentery I am exceptionally happy to be faced with being at most 20m away from my own toilet for the next 72 hours!

Have an absolutely brilliant weekend people.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I got Tagged.

Nice one Peas.

Four jobs I've had
Running shoe salesman
Copywriter
Call centre agent
Waitor

Four movie I can watch over and over
Love Actually
Good Will Hunting
Trainspotting
The Shawshank Redemption

Four places I have lived
Salisbury
Queenstown
King Williams Town
Durban

Four TV shows I love
Top Gear
Friends
Jake in Progress
ER

Four places I've been on holiday
Mauritius
Scotland
Durban
Cape Town

Four websites I visit everyday
News24
IOL
Iafrica
Keo.co.za

Four foods I love
Wimpy Burgers
Bangers and Mash
Steak
Pizza

Four places I'd rather be now
In bed ( i had a massive night on Saturday, still hung)
On my couch with remote in hand.
On anyones couch.
Saturday morning so i could not do what i did to feel this crap.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Women Mayors?

So what?

Women are able to fly the space shuttle, vote, be prime minister and run companies so why is it an issue that there may be more women than men as mayors?

I just hope they are less corrupt than men.....oh wait....didnt our Deputy President just tear the arse out of it by going on holiday halfway accross the globe with half of Tembisa on a government plane?


As long as the media covers it our democracy is working!

Mugabe spotted at Joburg clinic

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If his country isnt in any shit why does he need to come here for medical care???????
If he dies here then its ok but if we make him live longer i will be seriously pissed!

I am not a angry or hateful person but this f*cker means less to me than the sweat on a monkeys nuts.


Breath Billy breath........

Friday, January 13, 2006

Big sweaty hairy men huddled together....



Its nearly time....the rugby seasons approaching!

I love any sport but there's something special about the old game of Rugby. Weekends just arent the same without the screaming and shouting at a TV or best of all the excursion to other cities..........(insert witty first person report of precious experiences here)

A couple of fun loving mates and i decided to see if we could find Bloem and go support or national rugby team against the invading Irish.

After taking as long as possible to leave JHB on Friday we finally hit the open road in a nearly new 3.0 KZTE fresh off the sales floor at Toyota. Now Carl's been driving what could be best described as a Ox wagon with lame oxen for the last year so this new found power was well appreciated by all concerned. The roads were busy and with the nightfall fast approaching Carl finally "let loose" and started to see what the new acquisition could do. 400km and a few near death over-taking manoeuvres we arrived at our lodgings. A youth hostel with 20 steel bunk beds. A stiff bottle or 2 went to waste calming the nerves.

Friday was meant to be a quite night at the resort in preparation for the rugby the next day but It was massive, obviously. I got hammered (unusual) and apparently sparked quite a debate with some of the locals at the resident bar. We had to leave, something about them having to open up early. Somehow managed to find our way back to our palace without breaking anything. We named it a palace because we were originally going to camp!!!!

At some stage while the 6 grown children were preparing to retire for an evening of messy sleep Carl disappeared out into the freezing night mumbling something about the plight of spotted owls in barns all over the world. After a few minutes (somewhere between 1 and 120) i realised that Carl was not around, he wasn't answering my knock-knock jokes.... On closer inspection after falling on his bed, i realised he was not back.
Our palace had a design flaw. It had no bathroom. The closest adequately equipped walled area was about a 10min freezing stumble in a northerly direction. Somehow Carl had managed to overcome the distance and had locked himself in a toilet booth for a quick snooze. Perhaps not the first pissed male to fall asleep on the crapper but definitely the loudest snorrer!

The sun rose on Saturday with the promise of a great game of international rugby and a monster hangover to beat. I had to have a few shots of Tequila to recalibrate myself, this signalled the beginning of a big day. If you thought orange juice and toothpaste was rough try Tequila!
Saturday is a bit of a blur. I thought everyone was drinking when we watched the early game but it turns out it was mainly me. I am rather excitable when England are getting the sh*t kicked out of them, so i proceeded to get rid of the dehydration at an almighty pace.

By the time we got to the stadium in Bloem at 12.30 i was hammered. Bloem's a great place to get hammered, its almost built for it. Friendly corruptible cops, low pavements, big road signs, minimal one ways, tons of "friendly" chicks and of course tolerant, friendly folk embracing change a bit slower than the rest of the country.

We managed to find our way into a fantastic beer garden which was well stocked with allot more supplies and an all women rock band who weren't signing in English, so i didn't have to act like i knew what was going on. I seemed to be attracting allot of attention from the ladies that were present. This was a watershed moment, an epiphany of sorts. I was drunk.

After exploring a large portion of the stadium and toilets we finally found our seats. I watched about 5% of the game, and for that time i screamed for the guys in green which i later found out was Ireland. Didn't we play at home? The rest of the time was spent talking shit and explaining the rules to anyone who would listen. Much to the disgust of all my mates i managed to chat up a girl. Im not sure but i think she was chatting me up actually. (Could be the booze perspective again.) Alas it all amounted to nothing as i couldn't convince the boys to facilitate my destiny and follow her to a bar somewhere in Bloem. After getting over the loss of my future wife i followed the people who looked more familiar than all the other people and continued to drink at a selection of venues carefully selected for their lack of atmosphere.

The final destination turned into a bit of a gem. It had women in it. Ones not wearing rugby clothing! It also had a bar that sold more than just beer!!!!! It was also equipped with a sound system, dance floor and a DJ who was familiar with music post 1982.
After drinking as many Red Bull and vodkas as humanly possible (R13 for a double - someone is getting screwed!) and dancing like a queen for a few hours we left the bright lights of Bloem (after the cuddly one got his burger) for our youth hostel.

Sleep was delayed by recounting some of our funnier moments from the past day and Carl again doing his impression of a walrus procreating, which he cleverly disguises as snoring.
Woke up on Sunday feeling ok. Found no serious wounds. Managed to locate both wallet and cell phone. Found out who had won the rugby. Packed and headed home.

Bring on 2006 with boots and all!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Spud: A belter of a book.



It seems almost fashionable to recommend the book Spud by John van der Ruit but I cannot resist the temptation to blow wind up its arse.

This book rocked, I laughed,I cried and I laughed again. If you can read, this book is a must. Having survived boarding school myself it was even more of a classic but it will appeal to everyone with a sense of humour and probably some who dont...


I even laughed so loud that the people watching those crap "gag" things on the plane looked jealous!

It has fired up my passion for reading again, its been years since I read a novel so quickly and im bummed it is finished. Now what!

I demand a sequel!


Monday, January 09, 2006

So another year begins....

Reality has set in after only 7 hours of work....the holidays over, the saltmines at full tilt and im at 15 percent. I tried to open my office door with my car keys, forgot the name of a client and called a staff member by a name they didnt call themself. Nice!
The holiday was good though, very, very chilled with nearly no stress.
Well Happy New Year everyone, here's hoping its a cracker!